Lessons from March

Breathe In

I blinked, and March went Zoom…

And yes, I am the one being dragged across the city!

So many things happened! The weeks were slower, the spending was higher! So many birthdays to celebrate with not enough time or money. But here we are, we made it to the end of the month. I have a few things I would like to share with you all that stuck with me.

1. Reassurance, what it is, what it feels like to give it and receive it.

2. The prices are going to keep going up, raise your effort to make more money, but also live according to your wallet

3. You are a burden!

(I will be abusing this GIF)

The action of removing someone's doubts or fears.

1. Reasurance

You know, when you start overthinking about everything, work? Life? Friends? Relationships? Your ability to achieve anything? When people you trust and believe to be good for you try to advise you on something that’s been troubling you, and it doesn't change anything? You could be told you are capable of achieving your KPIs and more, and all it does is freeze you? Your relationship could be going down the drain, you could be seeing it going down, and you know everything you can do to bring it up, but you just can't pull yourself to do it?

"Utwo ni utu dayimoni" (those are little demons), as my people love to say it. How can you not bring yourself back from the brink of disaster? As a man, why are you asking that girl who is your close friend, "Are we good?" just because you haven't heard from her in eight hours? Clearly, you have too much time on your hands. As a woman, why are you checking his WhatsApp status to see if he posted anything, to see if he's online? The things we do because of a lack of proper communication. The things we do because of pride. The things we do because it is easier to blame our upbringing than to face our own lack of effort, our lack of transparency, our lack of confrontation and hard conversations.

Have you ever had a hard conversation and realized how much you were not breathing because of how anxious you were before you opened up? Opening up to your friend and letting them know you were no longer going to support their financial problems because you were tired of being responsible for someone irresponsible? Opening up to your partner about how stagnant your relationship is getting and how much you were outgrowing it? Opening up to your siblings about how bad they messed you up, no amount of therapy could fix it?

I feel like hugs are underrated, and we should be giving more of them. Because all of this worrying and suffering we go through is just… insane. Disclaimer: give hugs to people who want to be hugged. Body odour and diseases.

How do you give reassurance? All of us are keen on identifying the people who are dramatic, problematic, do too much, stand out, overthink everything, have social media brains, suspiciously quiet, full of themselves, lack a few brain cells, and more. With all those identities on the table, how do you manage to reassure those you care about and let them know your relationship with them is steady, it is standing? How do you not make them feel like you have abandoned them? Like you have left the chat to never return? How do you make them feel like they are part of your life, even if you only talk every other week or month? Is it measurable? Is it quantifiable?

Most people will look at all the above questions and go, "Oh, that is why I have three friends." But in reality, those three are the only ones they keep up with because they are in their everyday life. Probably work in the same office or building, live continents apart, but are driven by the same two things. Probably grew up with them, so every family function is a catch-up. Then the rest of the people who are your friends but you can't keep up with them are just left on read now and then. Meeting them in person and starting a conversation is so hard because the last few conversations were just shallow and were enough updates on how good your life was, but broke enough not to be available for them.

Do you ever hang out with someone and you hear them lie on the phone about what they are up to or where they are, and ever wonder if they ever do the same thing to you? Nahh, you're special!!

How do you receive reassurance? All those trust issues. All those walls you have built over time. You pride yourself in spotting a lie from a mile away but still get lied to. You get to be extorted by the same friends who are always "present" and ready to lend a hand. How can you feel reassured when everything, every relationship you have, comes with a string attached?

This is a reminder to unclench your jaw, unclench your butt. Breathe a little. That control you want to have? That force you are trying to go up against? It is not a wave, it is a storm! And you can't swim to save your life!

My emergency buoy is "asking." I ask for reassurance. It does not do me any good to sit with my thoughts that will simply bring me down to the seabed. Obviously, sometimes it takes me a while to gather the energy and willpower to do it, but making it a habit or pushing myself to always go for it has made my life easier. Sometimes people go through it or just forget, and it is okay. Or sometimes they are avoiding you on purpose, and knowing it could help you in giving them that space or open a conversation to get to the bottom of the matter. Looking angry, breathing heavily, being silent or being inaudible when they address you, and disappearing or leaving the room when they enter, helped nobody.

March showed me that I had stopped putting energy into some relationships, that I had been giving less simply because when I started watering myself, there were some relationships I stopped watering. I owed some relationships some reassurance and letting them know I was just caught up with working on myself and my job. Some relationships owed me some reassurance, as they were the ones who were sleeping on me. The whole "But Angelo, not everyone is as kind and caring as you. Not everyone can do their job, have time for movies/TV shows, have time for books, and have time for relationships." An actual sentence that was told to me. No, I am not that kind and caring. I am dedicated, and every time I break my word or a promise, I feel terrible. I feel anxious, and I probably go a little bit hard on myself when I don't show up to what I said I would do. We have the same 24 hours, but we have different problems. Pain marathons are shared every other day. What did you do last week that shows me you are worthy of my time? Love? Effort?

Don’t be sorry, do better!

Don’t engage people if you are going to half-ass it! Don’t enter people’s lives if you have no intentions of putting in the work. Yes, it is also a job. It shouldn’t feel like it, but it is! I am not telling you to go around giving your all to strangers. I am telling you, for those you claim to be in your life, those you think about inviting to brunch, work events, housewarming, weddings, birthdays, trips, to the movies, those people that just come to your mind any time you feel low or down, those are the ones I am advocating for.

2. You are rich… In your own way

Inflation is crazy, but what is crazier is your need for comfort. I know, I know… Mind your business, Angelo! But hear me out.

Angelo receives 1.3 million RWF every month. Angelo has to pay:

• 300,000 RWF for rent

• 60,000 RWF for grocery

• 35,000 RWF for the maid

• 100,000 RWF for transport

• 25,000 RWF for home internet

• 5,000 RWF for mobile data

• 100,000 RWF for home essentials (water, electricity, gas, hygiene materials)

• 8,000 RWF for neighbourhood security and trash pick-up

• 100,000 RWF for Vuba Vuba

• 200,000 RWF for restaurants

• 200,000 RWF for a night at Lemon/Cadillac

• 100,000 RWF for girlfriend

• 100,000 RWF for girlfriend number two

• 50,000 RWF for that friend who can’t take no for an answer

He gets paid on the 25th of the month, and by the 3rd day of the month, he has 117,000 RWF.

We had a good conversation about Tantine’s “Why Does Everyone In Kigali Want To Serve The 2.7%” and lots of opinions were shared. My take on it was that, yes, the country is growing to be expensive and something should be done about it. But like the example shared above, our financial literacy is minimal. We spend too much on things that we could regulate and preserve some for future us. We could spend better, we could spend smarter. But consumerism is at an all-time high, as the only thrill you currently get from your salary is the ability to go to T2000 and buy that mop, that water bottle, and those lunch boxes, even though what you have at home is fully functional and in good condition. Yes, the country is expensive, but your fridge has no more space for your home-cooked meals and your Vuba Vuba orders. Yes, you are broke, but it is also because you want to entertain everyone.

March looked at my spending and said, “So you have chosen ice cubes for meals at the end of the month?” Because that is where I was heading. So many birthdays in March and February, most of your parents had a memorable summer the year before!

By the 10th of the month, you are like:

But even in that phase of being financially cautious, you can still choose to show up to your people in ways they see you. In ways, they understand that in your limited capacities, you are trying and you thought of them. Saying “Ayo, I am broke man” is not the reason you think it is. If you can doom scroll on Instagram or TikTok for more than an hour, you can walk to my place and create memorable moments.

You can lower your standards to match your current income, while you think of ways to increase it to match your fancy. You can be comfortable in the little you have while you seek more to be more comfortable. Psychologically, if you hate the life you live, it can either keep you there or push you to be in a better place. When they say you have the power to change your life, they really mean it. It is just not that easy to do. Until you find your sauce and how to reheat it for it to taste different, it will always feel like the same sauce that is just reheated.

3. You are a burden!

Why is it that the people who are afraid of inconveniencing you are the ones who feel like burdens, and those who aren’t afraid of inconveniencing you are the real burdens?

I know you have that one person in your life who keeps saying sorry for things that don’t even deserve to be apologized for. You could step on them by accident, and they would be the ones apologising. They are those people you wouldn’t mind having over for hours, and they would just spend an hour with you, for fear of taking too much of your time. Then you have those who you keep yawning in their faces and keep saying, “damn, I am tired.”

Maybe we should all feel like burdens? Maybe we would all be mindful of others and where our freedom begins and ends. That home training of not being able to play any sound (video/audio) when your dad was around was training for the world. How are we in a small room, and 4 devices are playing loudly? How are you bringing potential boyfriend number 78 to your friend’s 7-year-old birthday, knowing very well that the child doesn’t even remember boyfriend 68’s name? How come you are always hitting their line for services, but when it is up to you to serve back, you are suddenly ill or drowning in work? Why are you always late for hangouts, but you opened the gates for Doja Cat’s concerts? Why are you always broke, but your stories start with “I cannot believe I spent money on that gnome…”

At what point did we stop offending people? I feel like we should bring it back. We no longer tell people how we feel or how they make us feel, and I think people have gotten too comfortable. Everyone wants to be nice and kind, but not everyone has the backbone to back it up. I am not nice! I want to be kind, but it really comes down to what kind of human you are.

March told me that cutting people off doesn’t help anybody. You don’t have to go on a rampage, doing “Truth” drive-bys. Everybody has their own skeletons and would love to keep them hidden. But some people are really out here bullying and yapping about people all willy-nilly, like their business can’t be found and exposed in seconds. Unless you’re an angel, unless you are so pure that nothing can stick to you, I suggest whenever you open it with no shame… keep that same energy when it comes back.

Clearly, March fed the brain. It exposed so many of my weaknesses and reminded me that I am not

It reminded me that although February was tough, the recovery needed a lot of work and I was still lagging. I needed to shake myself up if I wanted to complain about the economy while eating my favorite Strawberry Tarte, which is definitely expensive for its portion.

Remember when your parent(s) used to get you that one thing you really loved, but it only came once in months, and it was perceived as a delicacy? Now, as an adult, you know why buying ice cream or chocolate every week could make you “lose the thrill for it,” he said sarcastically.

Recap:

1. Be present, show up

2. Get your money, stay in your bag

3. Talk to people, they talk back!